Who am I?

I'm a person who loves making things. I really love making food, and I really enjoy giving that food to people. I never make elaborate meals just for myself, that feels indulgent. I really like to make food for my friends. I like to see them smile and I like to be generous.

I express myself most efficiently through computers. A day that I spend writing code that will help people is like a day that I spend cooking a meal for my friends, only I feel even more satisfied because I know that the thing I am making won't just be consumed once, but can go on to help people for more than just that day.

I'm someone who isn't a "natural" at coding or at a business, but I'm someone who can make a lot of mistakes and learn from them. When I make mistakes, but the consequence of those mistakes are relatively low, I can make difficult decisions that to others may seem crazy! I am good at taking really big risks with my life and learning from them, only when the consequences start to seem too large, I start to feel an overwhelming amount of stress.

I'm someone who has a lot of self-doubt. I question myself A LOT. I surround myself with people who are way better than I am in specific dimensions (technical, business, personal or otherwise). I'm defintely good at showing people appreciation and being willing to ask for help. I talk to people about things that are serious and can be very direct & honest.

I am a high integrity person. I speak truth even when people probably don't want to hear it. Some people hate that, others appreciate it, whatever it is, it's my way of being. I don't want to raise money right now because I don't have high confidence that I can deliver a return on investment and it feels like a low-intergity thing to do right now. I would rather be a barista than make false promises to a VC and take their money. I say this not because I think it's a BETTER WAY to be, but rather because it's just who I am. I could probably benefit if I had more confidence in self and was more willing to bull-shit people, but I'm not willing. I cannot compromise on this. I've had calls with people when applying for grants and I've been really honest that I've made a BUNCH of mistakes and I'm still really early-on in my learning. I don't think I should be the one to get this funding or these grants right now. Instead I ask for advice and try to learn from people. I need to prove myself to myself first. I need to make something people need and actually matters. Making something people care about is way more important to me than being able to take funding.

When I act out of fear, I can make STUPID decisions. Fear of not getting into a good uni can lead me to WASTE a bunch of hours of my life in doing things like studying for the SAT. Fear of what may happen if my project doesn't work out can lead me to turn a blind eye to reality and work on something that people don't really need or care about. I can be afraid to consider what would happen if I fail "BIG". I can fail in small ways and that's ok, but to fail "BIG" really scares me, especially when I don't know what will happen. Like... what will happen if in 5 months from now, I'm out of runway, no source of income, no revenue, and I need to pay rent. This is a real concern. Do I end up homeless? Do I fly home? Do I quicky scramble something together and get a job really fast? I don't know what will happen and I don't like that. I do like some feeling of control. I like to feel I have my life in at least a little bit of my control and I can pick: who I spend time with, where I live, and what I do. If I can pick those three things and they can stay in my control, ok that's really important to me.

I'm someone who feels a great debt to society. I feel I am incredibly lucky person. I have been given SO MUCH in terms of kindness, opportunity, health, etc. I must not let this investment go to waste, I need to give back to society something greater than all these inputs that they've put into me. I feel such gratitude and also so much debt to pay back to society. Not literal debt, but more of that so many people have helped me along the way, and I don't want to let them down. My family, my friends, people I've worked with, etc I've been incredibly gifted in life in these areas, and I need to produce something that makes people's lives better so to justify alll this kindness and investment.

I'm pretty good at following patterns and doing cookie-cutter stuff! I did well in school, I can bubble the right bubbles if I really try. I can make the tarpit projects that all the other cookie-cutter people early on can make. I can follow UI conventions and make UI that looks like it could've been made by any designer. I can go into auto-pilot and find comfort. Just because I CAN do these things doesn't mean I SHOULD do these things. I need to find freedom within myself such that I can realize the patterns I'm following and BREAK before it's too late. I've done this a couple times. BREAK the assumed path of high school to university and go a different path. BREAK when a project clearly isn't really what people need. BREAK even when it hurts and you're not sure what's going to happen next. How you break matters. Don't burn bridges. Don't compromise integrity. Don't lose yourself in the process. It's better to be wrong and see that than to be confused. The beauty is in following some patterns but then BREAKING where it matters and that can make some beautiful things.

Now I am going to explore the question of "what really matters to me?"